...:::///THE ANCIENT HISTORY OF COWS \\\:::...



                  ___________________________
         (__)    /                           \      * OFFICIAL EDITION *
         (oo)   ( Remember when I was a calf? )
  /-------\/  --'\___________________________/     * SUMMER 1991 ISSUE! *
 / |     ||
*  ||----|| 
   ^^    ^^
     Cow  


Edited by David A. Bader, dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu.
HTML version by Neil Enns.


The Birth of Cows

(in the words of Stephen L. Schultz, the Creator)

Now, as for how it all started. Well, I think John Christensen, my old roomate, was the first person to discover:

(__)
(oo)
 \/
looked like a cow's head. He once transmitted it vie write to someone else and has it say, "MOO". I suppose it originated from (* *) which in are implementation of PASCAL was begin and end comment. And he just added the rest of it.

Then, as I said earlier, our system had crashed, and I was sitting around talking with a friend, Geordie Kleuber. He was working on some project or other and needed to know ANSI escape sequences. As I had just finished writing graphics primitives in MACRO-11 for a project I was working on, I knew them cold. So I demonstrated how to position the cursor and how to turn attributes on and off.

I was doing this in local mode, and wanted something to draw, so I drew one of John's "MOOs" as he called them. Then, as I need more attributes to turn on and off, I added the rest of the body. Being the corny person that I am, and seeing as how the Chernobyl incident was current events at the time, I decided to make the entire cow blink. Then I made the entire cow blink and bold. Then I made the entire cow blink, bold, and reverse video. And I added captions underneath, "Within 100 miles of Chernobyl" "Within 10 miles of Chernobyl" and "Within 1 mile of Chernobyl."

Geordie thought it was hilarious. And as we had a local newsgroup, local.noise (now csh.noise since the organization was Computer Science House) for posting all sorts of ramblings. I decided to make an entire posting out of the cows. The house loved them, and so I continued to make up more.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, Adam Stein, a house member who was cooping at Xerox, took copies of them and posted them to rec.humor there. Because at the time, CSH did not have a full news feed, and only got incoming news, nothing went back out. Adam one day forwarded me some letters of people praising the cows. I didn't know until the third or fourth posting that they were going out. Not that I minded.

It was funny. For the next year or so, people would tell me how while they were on coop in YourCity, USA they would see my cows posted on the wall. When I was at a DECUS once, someone recognized my name (I was giving a talk on Imaging Science) as the creator of the cows and made mention of it and about 20 people in the audience knew what he meant when he spoke of the "net cows."

It was kind of neat. Since then, they have taken on a life of their own. I had no idea how many new ones had been created. Some of them are so intricate, it amazes me someone took the time to do it.

Someone once suggested putting them into a book, but I said, "They wouldn't make it in a book. They only live on the net. There they have character. In a book, they are just characters." I'd much rather see them live in the public domain anyways. Especially since there have been so many contributions from so many different people. It really is kind of neat.

Who'd of thunked it? :)

- Steve


Growing Up

(Some explanations by Stephen L. Schultz)

Hello. A friend of mine recently showed me the Cowmpendium you have compiled from the net. This was of interest to me since I was the person who started it all so long ago. I haven't subscribed to rec.humor in a long time so I've missed a number of those you had in your compendium. On the same token, you've missed some of my more recent ones. I also noticed a few other older ones missing.

As was the case with a number of them, there are some local jokes, and local references. The "Corner Crew" is our cheering section for RIT hockey.

I will leave it up to you what you want to include and what you do not.

Incidently, the "Chernobull" series is of special significance because they are the ones that started it all. One day, when the system was down, I put my VT100 into local mode and started drawing. The end result was the first cow. Actually it was a little more squat than it is now, but I refined it on the screen until it looked good. Knowing my VT100 escape codes by heart, I then drew another and made it flash, and then flash and bold, and then flash, bold, and not present, etcetera. In the olden days, you could send escapes through the mail and such, and so it used to be a nice effect. Of course, since then, everyone strips escapes out, so the series has lost its effect. But I decided to leave them in for historical purposes.

Of course, again, you may include or not include them as you will. Who'd of thought when I drew them way back when they'd have caught on as they did? Thank Adam "Bacca" Stein for sending them out into the "real" world, because initially they were only released on local.noise which was a newsgroup local to our organization.

Have a good one.

- Stephen L. Schultz
Bitnet: SLS4255@RITVAX
Internet: SLS4255@RITVAX.isc.rit.edu


The Original Guide to Cows

Today, we are going to compare and contrast those lovely little bovines. So sit back and enjoy, but don't forget to take notes. There may be a surprise quiz sometime next week.

         (__)
         (oo)                       U
  /-------\/                    /---V
 / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
*  ||----||
   ^^    ^^

Cow at 1 meter.         Cow at 100 meters.        Cow at 10,000 meters.



         (__)                     )__(                vv    vv
         (oo)                     (oo)                ||----||  *
  /-------\/               *-------\/                 ||     | /
 / |     ||               / |     ||                 /\-------/
*  ||----||              /  ||----||                (oo)
   ^^    ^^                 vv    vv                (~~)

American Cow              Polish Cow            Australian Cow


         (__)                     (__)                     (__)
         (oo)                ____ (oo)                _---_(oo)
  /-------\/               /-    --\/               /-     -\/
 / |     ||               / |     ||               /|      ||
*  ||----||              *  ||___-||              *  ||___-||
   ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^

Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow
Arriving at RIT     After the "Freshman 15"    After the "Freshman 20"


         (__)                     (__)                     (__)
         (OO)                     (@@)                     (xx)
  /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
 / |     ||               / |     ||               / |     ||
*  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
   ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^

Cow who drank Jolt       Cow who ate              Cow who used Jolt to wash
                      psychadelic mushrooms      down psychadelic mushrooms

The following three cows were supposed to be appearing with the Celebrity Cows in the last issue, however, I found out that they were sitting around a bar getting drunk discussing what exactly is art. The cows' conclusion: Art is a bunch of Bull(s).

Sorry, but I couldn't resist,
Hawk, Sesquipedalianite
and Head of Heffer Control.

                    (____)             (____)                           (____)
                    (oo  )                (o  o)                        ( O O)
         /-----------\  /          /-----\    /----          /-----------\  /
        / ||       |  \/          / |   |  \/   |           / ||       |  \/
       /  ||       ||||           \ |  |      | | |        /  ||       ||||
      *   ||||-----||||            *| | |-----| | |       *   ||||-----||||
          /\/\     /\/\             /\ /\     /\ /\           ^^^^     ^^^^
     This cow belonged         This was Salvatore      No one was sure whether
      to Pablo Picasso        Dali's favorite cow    M.C. Escher's cow had four
                                                           legs or eight

. . . And now, the Golden Bovine Awards!

           (__)
           (oo)      (_)
    /-------\/        V
   / |     ||        /G\
  *  ||----||     ___[B]___
     ^^    ^^     |       |

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . . the nominees for the best leading bull in a motion picture are:

  • Christopher for his role as the Brooklyn tough in the critically acclaimed drama, "Chew the Cud Slowly"
  • Gambler, the swashbuckling hero in this years box-office block buster in "Cow Wars III: Return of the Bovine"
  • Samson, as the somewhat deranged longhorn in what has been described as this years most artistic film, "Slaughterhouse Mine"
  • Spencer for his outstanding portrayal of a cow who gets involved in some crazy farmers scheme and gets sent to foreign fields where his only goal is to get "Back to the Pasture"
  • George, the latest heart throb to dance his way across the silver screen in "Hoofloose"
  • Bitters in a thought provoking role as an in-mate at a barn for the mentally impaired in "One Flew Over the Milking Machine"

And the winner is . . .

Christopher in "Chew the Cud Slowly"

I would like to thank everyone who helped me make this movie, without whom I never would have won, especially, Farmer Brown, whose guidance and patience around feeding time helped me through the long nights of rehearsals and shootings, and Farm-Hand John, who used to sneak out at night to open the gate to the stud pen so that I could relieve some of my other tensions, and to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

                             \
           (__)                (___)
           (oo)      (_)       (O O)
    /-------\/        V         \ /---------\
   / |     ||        /G\         O ||      | \
  *  ||----||     ___[B]___        ||-----||  *
     ^^    ^^     |       |        ^^     ^^

I would like to express my heart felt thanks to Gary Larson for giving me explicit written permission to use his Far Side cartoon panel as a basis for this cow posting:



...and with its onboard floating point
and dual I and D cache buffers, the
CLIPPER will blow the doors off of any
micro in its class. QUICK, ONE'S COMING !!!


    \                                                   \
     \                                                   \
      (__)          (__)                                 (__)
      (oo)          (oo)                                 (oo)
       \/            \/                                   \/
     /----\        /----\                               /----\
    /|    |\      /|    |\                             /|    |\
   ^ |    | ^    ^ |    | ^-+                         ^ |    | ^
     |    |        |    | |C|                           |    |
     /----\        /----\ +-+                           /----\
    /    \ \      /    \ \                             /    \ \
   ^      * ^    ^      * ^                           ^      * ^

              MOO                  Oh, how boring it must
              /                    be to be a cow.
           (__)      (__)                 \                   (__)
           (oo)      (oo)                  _______            (oo)
    /-------\/        \/-------\          //  ||\ \            \/-------\
   / |     ||          ||     | \   _____//___||_\ \___         ||     | \
  *  ||----||          ||----||  *  )  _          _    \        ||----||  *
     ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^     |_/ \________/ \___|        ^^    ^^
______________________________________\_/________\_/__________________________


...So explain to me again how
they were able to acheive
zero wait states...
                 \                           It's party time!
                  \                                    \
      (__)          (__)                                 (__)
      (oo)          (oo)                                 (oo)
       \/            \/                                   \/
     /----\        /----\                               /----\
    /|    |\      /|    |\                             /|    |\
   ^ |    | ^    ^ |    | ^-+                         ^ |    | ^
     |    |        |    | |C|                      [BUD]|    |[BUD]
     /----\        /----\ +-+                      [SIX]/----\[SIX]
    /    \ \      /    \ \                             /    \ \
   ^      * ^    ^      * ^                           ^      * ^

CLIPPER is a trademark of the Fairchild Semiconductor Corporation,
BUD is a trademark of Anheiser Busch Brewing, and
"Far Side" is a New York Times Syndication.
                  /
                 /     And we're just stupid cows.
           (__)                   /
           (oo)              (__)
    /-------\/               (oo)
   / |     ||                 \/-------\
  *  ||----||                  ||     | \
     ^^    ^^                  ||----||  *
                               ^^    ^^

Many people have been asking me why there are so many different kinds of milk on the shelves. Not just different brands, but different types, like Whole or Low-Fat. Well, I have decided to answer that question in full. Listed below are most of the major types of milk available on the market today and with them are the type of cow that produces the milk. Most American citizens don't even begin to realize all of the carefull in-breeding that went into producing these strains of dairy cows so that the average consumer would have a wide selection of milk to choose from. In fact, most Americans are ignorant of tha fact that this many different types of cows exist. Most people beleive that all cows look alike. Not so, as we are soon to find out.

- Stephen L. Schultz
Head of Heifer Control
Computer Science House
Rochester Institute of Technology
Rochester, New York 14623

         (__)                     (__)                    __)
         (oo)                     (oo)                     o)
  /-------\/               /-------\/
 / |  O  ||               * ||----||
*  ||----||                 ||    ||
   ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
Cow that gives            Cow that gives           Cow that gives
(W)hole Milk.             Low-Fat Milk.            2% Milk.

         (__)
         (dd)                                          .
  /-------\/
 / |     ||                         U                      .
*  ||----||                     /---V                         .
   ^^    ^^                    * |--|                  .
Cow that gives            Cow that gives           Cow that gives (gave)
Vitamin D Milk.           Condensed Milk.          Evaporated Milk.

Warning:  Two of the last three are crude.

                               (__)
                             __(oo)
         (__)               /   \/  (__)                        (___)
         milk              /   \\   (oo)                        (O O)
  /-------\/              /|  /-^^---\/                 /--------\ /
 / |     ||              / | /|     ||                 / |      ||O
*  ||----||             *  || ||----||                *  ||@\---||
   ^^    ^^                ^^ ^^    ^^                   ^^     ^^
Cow that gives             Cows that give             Cow that gives
Pasteurized Milk.          Homogenized Milk.          Cream.

I warned you.

In an attempt to cash in on the cow craze that swept local.noise, Detroit has decided to produce a complete line of auto-moo-biles. Japan was quick to follow suit and produced a few cows too, as were a couple of European countries. Below is a list of the auto-moo-biles reviewed by "Cow and Track" magazine.

Before you read the list, I would like to point out that a friend of mine recently purchased a particular brand of automobile and we have been kidding her about the small size of this automobile. It is intended to needle this person, but if you wish to take offense and want to flame me for degrading the car, then please, feel free to send all flames to: rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!adam

If you wish to make any constructive comments or suggestions to add to my collection of cows, please mail to: rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!hawk


                       (__)                Stephen L. Schultz
                       (oo)                Head of Heifer Control
                /-------\/                 Computer Science House
               / |     ||                  Rochester Institute of Technology
              *  ||----||                  Rochester, New York  14623
                 ^^    ^^

Here are the national standards for wheel-base classification:

             (__)              (__)            (__)          (__)
             (oo)              (oo)            (oo)          (oo)
  /-----------\/      /---------\/      /-------\/      /-----\/
 / |         ||      / |       ||      / |     ||      / |   ||            U
*  ||--------||     *  ||------||     *  ||----||     *  ||--||        /---V
   OO        OO        OO      OO        OO    OO        OO  OO       * O--O

  Full-Size Cow       Mid-Size Cow    Compact Cow    Sub-Compact Cow    Yugo

These are some of the various models offered:

   __   (__)       ______  (__)               (__)             (__)
  /  \  (oo)      /      \ (oo)               (oo)          \  (oo)
 /    ---\/      *        --\/     /|      |---\/      @     ---\/
* |     ||       |         ||     * |______|  ||      /|       ||          U
  ||----||       ||--------||       ||--------||     * ||------||      /---V
  OO    OO       OO        OO       OO        OO       OO      OO     * O--O

Hatch-Back      Station Wagon      Pick-up Truck     Convertable   Roller Skate

Although some people like to customize their cows:

         (__)                                               \
         (oo)                                                \
  /-------\/                                  (__)            \__)
 / |     ||        /---_  (__)                (oo)            (oo)
*  ||----||       / |   -_(oo)     /-----------\[]    /--------\/
  OOO    OOO     *  ||-_  |\/     / |         |[]    /|=======||     *    U
 O   O  O   O       ||  -_||     *  ||--------||    * ||------||(     \---V
  OOO    OOO        OO    OO        OO        OO      @@      @@       O--O

Beach-comber's    A Low-Rider   Chevy Impala      Aluminum alloy      Yugo with
    Deluxe                     with Fuzzy Dice   rims, fog lamps,       rear
                                                  cb radio, and        spoiler
                                               custom pin-striping

Then there are the luxury cows:

                                               (__)
                                               (oo)
  /---------------------------------------------\/
 / |                                           ||                 U
*  ||------------------------------------------||           /-----V
   OO                                          OO          * O----O

                      Stretch Limo                         Yugo Limo

And the workforce of the interstate cowing industry:

     /------------------------------------------
    / |                                        |
   /  |      Upstate Milk Cooperatives         | (_____)
  /   |                                        | ( O O )
 /    |                                        |  \   /
*     |________________________________________|___\ /
         OO  OO                         OO  OO      O         . .__.,,

                    The Eighteen Hoofer                    Yugo after being
                                                      run over by the 18 hoofer

Many people have been asking what the most read magazine is amongst the bulls in the pen. Well the answer is an easy one, it's PLAYBULL. But not too many people know who own's PLAYBULL, so I thought it would be nice to head out to the PLAYBULL Mansion and meet the founder and editor, Hugh Heifer.

- Steve Schultz
Head of Heifer Control

Here is Hugh Heifer himself, with a couple of his PLAYBULL Bunnies. Of course, whenever Hugh is around the mansion, he always wears his comfortable silk bathrobes.

        \    /                       \    /
         \__/               (___)     \__/
         (oo)               (o o)     (oo)
  /-------\/        /---+----\ /       \/-------\
 / |     ||        / |  |   ||O         ||     | \
*  ||----||       *  ||-+---||          ||----||  *
   ^^    ^^          ^^     ^^          ^^    ^^

Meanwhile, in the photo studios in the back of the mansion, we see next
issues centerfold posing in front of the camera.

         (__) O
         (o[o]|                       *     (__)
  /-------\/ v                       /      (oo)v
 / |     ||_/                        \-------\/ \
*  ||----|                     v____/      /   \/
   ^^    ^                      v___\____v/___/

Probably an RIT               Is this one beautiful
photo graduate                   bovine, or what?

Well, if you liked the way the centerfold looked, you may want some biographical data:

Name:                           Ingrid
Age:                            4
Occupation:                     Dairy producer
Major Turn-ons:                 A well charged cattle prod
Major Turn-offs:                A stud pen with too many cows
                                and not enough bulls
Favorite TV Show:               T.J. Hoofer
Favorite Rock Group:            George Thorocud
Favorite Sexual Position:       Up against the barbed wire
Ambitions in Life:              To be in heat during the running of the bulls

Our system ( VAXIMG ) is currently down for FCO's, and so, having nothing better to do ( not necessarily true, but nothing better that I want to do ) I decided to draw a few cows. These cows are from the Corner Crew, so watch out, they are loud and obnoxious at hockey games.

- Hawk

                        (_   _)
          (__)          (o   o)
          (oo)           \   /-------\
   /-------\/                ||     | \
  * ||----||                 ||----||  *
    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
Strawberry Shortcake    Banana Split

         (__)          (__)        *
         (oo)          (oo)       /
  /-------\/            \/-------/
 / |     ||              ||     | o
*  ||----||              ||----||   ooo
   ::    ::              ^^    ^^  oooooo
Your team skates      Like a pile of . . .

(__)                          (__)
(oo)                          (oo)
 \/-------\            /-------\/
  \\     \ \          / /     //
   \\----\\ *        * //----//
    ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^
Shift to the left    Shift to the right

    (__)
    (oo)
  /--\/--\               (__)
 / |    | \              (oo)
^  |    |  ^           ---\/----<
   /----\              | \-+-<
  /   \  \             |   |
 ^     *  ^         *__|__-+-<-<
Stand up            Sit down

          (__)  *       (__)(__)
          (xx)   \      (@@)(oo)
   /-------\/ >---\------\/  \/-------\
  / |     ||      |     ||>---|     || \
 *  ||----||      |-----||     |----||  *
    ^^    ^^      ^     ^^     ^    ^^
Fight, fight, fight!